Tuesday, June 20, 2006

So....it's about these bones of mine.....and a plan

In one of my earlier posts I mentioned an ongoing fight with obesity (followed by my total failure to say NO to garlic mashed potatoes!!). This problem is becoming more acute as time goes on.....something that I totally wish was not the case. However, when you are plagued with arthritis in your knee, it becomes an issue which is hard to ignore...especially when the other knee is starting to get affected along with your back, shoulders, ankles.....generally all the joints.

So I'm thinkin'.....I HAVE to do something here....which I might say right here, is what my doctor has been telling me for the last mmmmm...say....15 or so years. I have had periods of weightlessness....1988-89, I lost 105 lbs......and then after returning to original eating habits..proceeded to put it all back on again over a period of about 2-3 years. In 2001/02, I lost about 55 lbs with WeightWatchers....and then found that I was paying approximately $7 a pound to lose weight...something I had a hard time rationalizing.

I have had a fight with obesity since I was young....and as it turns out, it shouldn't have really happened that way. I was NOT overweight when I was young, but I was tall and big boned and therefore everyone told me I had to lose weight. When you're told often enough that you're fat, tubby, obese, walrus like, etc., etc., etc., you begin to believe it yourself. In actual fact, I became what everyone told me I was. However, if everyone had SHUT UP....I would probably be in great health today, full of energy and not arthritis. Do you detect a slight bit of bitterness here??

Back to the present: so I had this idea that I would make a plan, deal with this once and for all and the key to this plan was that I would not go on a diet...I would change my lifestyle and my eating habits and let nature take it's course. Well.....the best laid plans etc. etc. etc......

My life is easily affected by events that occur within it and around it. So three things in the last 2 months have thrown all my "best laid plans" into disarray and I'm trying hard to find my way back to my life as it was starting to evolve.......
1. I became a grandmother, which is not a bad thing...in fact it's a pretty good thing....it's just something that has to find it's place in my life and that's ongoing....and it has changed the dynamics of my relationship with my son....and that's something to get used to.
2. My son's best friend who was like a part of our family was killed in a car accident, sending us all into shock and disbelief. I am not only still trying to deal with this myself, but I also worry about how my son is dealing with the loss. The whole situation is gutwrenching and still brings me to tears often.
3 My daughter and her husband have decided to make the big move to Boston in a few months and it will be for 4 years. It will be a wonderful adventure for them but (I'm being horribly selfish here) I can't grasp what my life will be like knowing that they are not 6 hours driving away, but 6 hours flying or 4/5 days driving away....the other side of the continent!! (it is, however, yet another place to visit!!)

So.....all these events have conspired to put the kybosh on my plan.....so I'm trying to work on some sort of plan B. This is not a "blaming" post.....more like a "I have to find a way to deal with life" post. In short....That's life...deal with it.

My first step has been to make an appointment to go back to my therapist (whom I was seeing during last summer) and unload on her and see what she has to say. I also want to hibernate, but apparently that's not necessarily a good thing to do.....so I will only do a bit of that and a bit of getting out among people....and I always have to remember to take the time to do things that I enjoy.

I would have never believed that my life would ever get this complicated and worrisome.....but you just never know which chocolate life is going to deal you from the box. (Forrest Gump??)



T. said...

It's a good first step :-). It can be so hard to work on things that challenging when life is changing so much. I'm finding the same thing, with all the moving plans - I keep TRYING to keep on track with my eating etc...but it's hard to do!! I'm definately a comfort eater.

coramie said...

me too....but it's the constant feeling of guilt when I eat more than I should or something that I shouldn't....but then what shouldn't I eat?? That continues to be the question. I would love to for once, eat anything that appeals to me....and not feel guilt...but wait...that was the plan....it's all about quantity...whoeee!! it's coming back!! Have a good day sweetie.